You know one of the things about skills any form of skill in life is one thing learning about a skill.
Reading a book or watching a video or someone talking about it is skill.
But then it's something else seen in practice.
When we see things in practice we can sometimes just come to the realization oh I can do that.
So that's what I'm hoping and we're gonna do.
And this video we know to be honest with you.
I've actually already been doing this throughout the whole course.
All I'm just doing here is I'm just telling you the inside of secrets what it is that I've actually
been doing already.
All right.
So here I am though going to attend Curran and use one communication skill called immediacy.
There's not gonna be any reflective questions.
There's not gonna be any who question and techniques and some of these I'll share with you later on
in the section as well.
And here it's just going to be a conversation.
All right so let's just give ourselves a little bit of context here.
Let's just say that this is the first time that Carr and I have ever met.
All right.
Or this could be in a coaching context or whatever.
And I just simply want to get to know a little bit about Carr.
What I don't want to do I don't want to put my foot in it.
I don't want to say anything inappropriate.
I don't want to say anything that's going to offend Carr.
So the best thing I can do here is not try to impress or not try to court or not try to do anything
right.
This is how I actually practice being being a human being for car and rather than trying to be a human
being or a coach or or anything.
All right.
So we've got to have a little bit of context.
First and foremost So Karen what I'm going to ask you about in fact we could ask you about what happened
last weekend but how about we go for something a bit more relevant to the course.
All right.
OK.
Hobos and I ask you to just share what it's like to be married to me OK.
What's it like to be married to me.
OK.
Would you be interested in finding the sites I'm interested and find this I genuinely am.
So I'm going to attend Karen really well here and I'm going to use this one communication skill called
immediacy and I'm going to drive as much truth as what I can from Karen.
All right and we'll see where the conversation goes.
All right.
It's no question and techniques here all and to be doing is feeding back what I'm hearing what I'm seeing
what I'm sensing and asking for a little bit more information.
Appropriate times and this is that is going to be current right in this conversation not me.
All right Karl think it's me they're acting it but it's not.
Is.
All right.
So current.
What's it like being married to me.
Great topic.
You're laughing right now.
Yes.
Is this a new idea to introduce into the course.
A new idea to introduce into the course being married to you.
Is.
OK.
So first of all is pretty exciting is pretty exciting pretty exciting.
What do you mean by that.
Because right from day one you are very you're the opposite to me and the opposite to you.
Yeah.
So getting to know you and has kept life really exciting over the years because you are nothing like
me at all.
So not predictable and very high energy and you've always got something new going on.
So that keeps life and conversation.
Exciting.
Interesting.
So you say I'm not like you know.
No I'm a more reserved and and with what I would hold back a bit more.
And whereas you are like full of life and you've always got something going on here I was working through
something and Philippines full of energy.
And then you and me.
So I'm more kind of a little bit quieter and we tend to quieter quieter and I would tend to think about
things a bit more than speak them I think think about things a bit more.
Yeah yeah.
So I tend to work things out or to attempt to kind of define what is to try and work things out on my
own rather than bash them out in a conversation on your own on my own.
Yeah.
Which doesn't always turn out so well because then I'm pretty much stuck in my own perspective rather
than including someone else in the conversation.
Stuck.
What you mean by that.
Sometimes I can go round in circles in my own thoughts and thinking until I realize that I need a second
perspective here and bring it to a conversation a second perspective like like yours or what more often
than not yours.
Oh interesting.
A little bit of input input input as in not just my own ideas or what my gut feeling might be about
something but almost sometimes in speaking it out.
I can almost work out better as well rather than so it's not just your perspective but it's also there's
something in speaking out loud that helps me gain clarity and perspective for myself.
Clarity and clarity in terms of like bringing resolve into situations resolved like like
an
like finding solutions for work issues or problems or something.
I just need to make a decision about issues such as such as the practicalities of being on the board
of ecology or some some decisions that need to make in relation to my financial responsibility in that
role.
And often having a conversation can especially because that idea of life is quite new to me.
I'm not I've not been in business for years so having your perspective on that is quite helpful.
Interesting.
OK.
Sorry.
No I just I realize we've gone down a condo in one lane but I've only told you one element of what it's
like being married to you half.
So if I were to go down another lane that's very much work in business related.
Yeah but if we were to add another lane another line so an
so asking.
So I guess being married to you is
in many ways
really fulfilling like fulfilling.
Yeah I think in terms of who you are for me because you challenge and provoke me to to be a better version
of myself.
I've grown a lot over the years and
I'm through that I've gained fulfillment in my own life because of your challenge which at times I've
not always appreciate.
At the time but looking at it as a whole you don't appreciate challenge sometimes in the moment I don't
appreciate the challenge because my natural reaction would be to not want to take responsibility for
an element of myself that isn't something that's not working so well in the relationship or or in the
marriage in the home.
I would tend to first shy away from taking responsibility at times rather than on it.
A responsibility sensibility.
Yeah but over the years I'm getting a little bit better and taking responsibility sooner rather than
shying away from that or defending myself for defending yourself.
From defending my self from
really on defending myself from it's the feelings of hurt or rejection that I've assumed from the challenge.
Defending yourself from your assumptions and assumptions.
Yes.
Would you call.
It sounds a bit like insanity when you say out loud that things is normal.
I think it is normal for most people it's normal thing most people need to be defended from their own
assumptions.
I think many people do this from the unhealthy from fear or assumptions.
Yeah
what have you learned.
I've learned that actually that it is my own assumptions that I get offended by.
It's not that's not the challenge.
It's no it's not.
It's not you.
And by that you mean.
I mean if you were to offer me some feedback about how I'm being in our relationship and feedback for
example we've we've talked about apathy and that's that's crept in over the years in terms of areas
of the home or things that I've not taken responsibility for which has come as a frustration to you.
Such as such as an keeping on top of all the our financial matters and making sure that they're always
up to date so that you can make well-informed decisions.
So I just lost my train of thought there.
So I read in the possibility of taking offense at the challenging fact that you were correcting me in
some way or not correct correcting it's not correcting its offering feedback often for offering feedback
about how things could be more effective and so we're looking for ways to looking for ways to make life
better and more efficient.
What is it about in here somewhere and your laughing smiling.
There is a.
Yeah there's a but there's a but which is that the reality of that feedback is that there's nothing
to take offense at.
It's just life.
We want to progressive.
We want to move forward we want to progress.
We want to move forward.
We want to improve habits and ways of doing things so that so that life isn't stressful and we can enjoy
life.
And so but over the years grown to have taken offense really through my own immaturity and feeling or
need to be perfect and any kind of negative feedback I've seen as I won't make it.
I'm not perfect.
I'm getting it wrong and would overreact.
The danger is that given.
So if I could kind of just summarize and feedback just an observation here it seems that overall overall
the marriage is good.
Yeah.
Overall the marriage is fine.
The marriage is quite progressive one.
And so it seems to be kind of growth centered.
But from your experience sometimes challenged provocation can be seen as a negative through the assumptions
you make about perhaps the intentions behind the challenge or the provocation.
Yeah that is why I'm incorrectly assuming what the intention actually are.
So incorrectly assuming what the intentions are so does other for mean that you you negatively judge
and assume the worst of your husband at times.
That's awful and it terrible.
I think we're just going to wrap this conversation up here.
I don't know what you're thinking.
Oh my goodness that was just getting juicy.
All right listen.
I just want to demonstrate this in this video.
All right.
What attending people can look like practically using the course go immediacy.
Right.
Know how much effort do you think I have just made in this conversation
who then all the talking.
It wasn't me and it's normally need and all the talk in isn't it.
So first things first current.
All right.
Just to Are we okay.
And then this conversation here.
We could've talked about this all day.
How easy did you find it.
Just open it up and taken the conversation in the directions that you chose to take it.
It was easy.
Yeah it was absolutely easy.
And what was this conversation like for you I enjoyed it.
It was it was nice having the floor and then and you just were genuinely intrigued and genuinely injury.
Yeah yeah.
Was there any shadow of doubt in your mind that you could have taken the conversation in any direction.
No.
I could have talked all day gift up all day.
I could have taken in any direction I wanted to.
And that's certainly not your default mode is it.
No it's not.
It's not your default mode.
Your default mode is to hold back the hold back and reframe the see what we've just done here.
Oh my goodness.
All right.
Guess what some of the clients we work with are not gonna feel confident within themselves to open up
and share of themselves.
And that's why I'm going to propose that tending people and practicing immediacy comes first right from
your first meet or your first conversation or when you have the initial consultation session.
All right.
You don't have to have any.
Any questions you don't have to have any scripts you don't have to have any tools or processes or anything
to simply meet your new client and simply have a conversation right and you ask them about why they
are here to see you today.
You know what they are what they are here for what they want and you just let them go for it's all right.
You don't ask them any questions.
All all I was doing through practice and immediacy I was just sometimes reflecting back or feeding back
ones that I was hearing currency.
An example of this was what was what was an example.
I think I think one example I said unbought is that a button there was a question.
I didn't know there was a button there or not.
I'm just asking random questions all right but because it was fairly attendant and and genuinely intrigued
to see where the conversation went Kahn responded in the conversation went off in a whole different
direction and what I'm saying is in session number one or the first introduction session working with
a client.
If we do this then eventually we're going to trigger and find something anyway.
All right.
We cannot not get there.
Why.
Because this is why our clients have come to us to ultimately talk about an area or some sort of deficit
they have in their life.
People will naturally gravitate towards those things that they are focusing on.
So when we create space for our clients like this it's only a matter of time before they open right
up and share with us exactly what their greatest concerns are issues or worries or wars or goals or
dreams or ambitions are on within 20 25 minutes half an hour we're going to exactly where we stand with
them and we're going to be able to see the next couple of steps and we're going to need to take them
through.
So thank you very much for entertaining us with your with you an experience of what our marriage has
been like.
Your current.
But seriously and before we move on to the next video going have a tendency based immediacy centered
conversation with someone right.
Seriously good have some fun with this.
It's just about reflecting back what you hear when people say words just feedback.
Words in response when you see them if they smile if they look down you just say what you see.
See what you see.
Oh you seem to be looking down there you're smiling and then people will just open up and tell you more
because they feel comfortable enough that you there with them that you're there you're for them you're
not against them and they would have any problem in opening right up with you.
All right.
See what you see.
Attend people and use this course go immediacy listen obviously there's a bit more to and done this
but this is a fantastic starting point if you must of this all the rest of your kitchen endeavors will
literally just fall into place I promise you.
Alright so I hope you find this interesting good practice at no one practice it with someone and I'll
see you again in the next clip.